With their furry bodies, cute little whiskery faces and big eyes, you might ask how could anybody could not like cats? Well, to help you all understand (and save you from the day felines take over the world), here's 12 reason why I DON'T!
1. Cats KNOW when you don’t like them
Perhaps there’s a smell that only non-cat-lovers give off, but there’s something that draws these furry creatures straight to your lap. Like a moggy Darth Vader, they’ll sense your fear and use it to assert their dominance on the poor, weak human. Wha ha haaaaa! (Evil cat laugh.)
2. They have fur that comes off
Especially if you wear black. Yes, once they’ve sensed your dislike and they make themselves at home all over you, you’ll be saddled with those hairs for good. Moulting is revolting.
3. They have sharp claws
Like an older brother when Mum’s not looking, they’ll stick their claws into your legs as if kneading dough whilst they innocently purr and gaze at you with their big feline eyes… Meanwhile, the owner looks on proudly, like the cat that got the cream… ‘See, you’re good with cats – she likes you…’
4. I can’t stop sneezing!
If you suffer from allergies, then the last thing you want to see is a moggy. Give it three minutes in the same room and your eyes will go red as tomatoes and tears will stream down your face.
5. They’re possessed by the Devil
Tiddles is all sweetness and mice – sorry nice – one minute, as you sit stroking her silky tabby fur… Then suddenly the purring stops and her eyes go all big and black and she turns into a savage killer. She bites and hisses and kicks your hand to death with her back paws. Youuuuuch! Then, as quickly as it starts, it’s over – and she’s back to acting like a real, er, pussycat. What the hell was that all about?!
6. They don’t fetch sticks
Or sit or stay when told. Or roll over. Or come when called. Cats have a very independent, stubborn streak and will only be nice to you when it suits them. Or you feed them.
7. Cats have ruined Facebook
You can’t go on social media these days without being bombarded with pictures of your friends’ cats or your friends’ friends’ cats! No wonder Grumpy Cat looks like that.
8. They stop you from learning
In their plan to take over the world, it’s every cat’s mission to stop humans from getting an education and trying to better themselves. They do this by sitting on any book, paper or tablet you try to read. Not on my watch, human!
9. They would eat you given half the chance
Every cat owner loves their pet and thinks their cat loves them back. On the surface, this is true. But if you had a magic ray gun that made things bigger and you pointed it at your cat and it grew to the size of a lion, then it would definitely eat you. If you live on your own and have a small cat, and you happen to die at home, be warned. You are basically cat food.
10 They poo in the corner
Oh, look – there’s my lost sock in the corner. Oh no, it isn’t… Ugh!
11 They ruin your house
A cat’s primary function is to mess up your home. Furniture and carpets exist solely for them to scratch and destroy.
12 Why did the cat cross the road?
It didn’t. It couldn’t be bothered.