Well, just watch the 1994 Arnie Schwarzenegger comedy Junior. Kind of says it all, really. But, hold on – call the midwife (erm, mid husband?)..! Here’s another take on it...
1. That blue line has appeared on the wee stick. But, no, you’d never find a bunch of men squealing with their mates about the positive result.
2. Feeling queasy? Morning sickness kicking in? Another packet of gingernut biscuits with your cuppa, mate? Don’t mind if I do!
3. A man wouldn’t even harbour vague hopes of a seat on the bus to work. They’re travelling with a load of other blokes. Ain’t going to happen.
4. You wouldn’t ever find a bloke cooing in front of a Bumpsadaisy or Pretty Pregnant shop window at that ‘adorable, second trimester waistcoat and trouser outfit that’d be JUST PERFECT for work’.
5. In fact, talking of clothes, what’s wrong with an outsize jumper and baggy trackie Bs? Or, to make a concession for warmer weather, a Jacomo shirt 5XL.
6. Fanny about rubbing in stretchmark cream? Er, no.
7. You won’t find daddy-to-be looking through endless baby-name books or Googling monikers online. Why would they? If it’s a girl, Daenerys. A boy, Eddard. Well, if it’s good enough for Game of Thrones, it’s good enough for them. Or maybe opt for a fine, old name, one that’s steeped in tradition – say Rocky or Rambo?
8. Men wouldn’t post their scan pictures incessantly on social media, or share Instagrams of ‘outie’ belly buttons…
9. Soon-to-be dad wouldn’t throw a ‘gender reveal’ party or baby shower. Or EVER say, ‘We’re having a baby.’
10. Men would never listen to other dads-to-be clucking about their pregnancy health issues. Come on! Men don’t talk about ANY sort of embarrassing body matter. Update on heartburn and swollen ankles? Blokes, share? I don’t think so!
11. Following on from this thought, there would be no Father & Baby magazine. Why would they want to read about someone else’s varicose veins, piles or constipation? Eeuww!
12. You’d not find them endlessly discussing their birth plan with pals, or making lists of what music to have in the delivery suite – no, hold on, they’d probably do that one!
13. You wouldn’t hear them say wistfully, ‘David Beckham’s got a great six-pack for a bloke who’s had four kids,’ as they flick through Hello mag. They wouldn’t give a monkeys about which celebs were back in pre-baby shape, with a trim, eight-weeks-after bod.
14. You wouldn’t find the house floor-to-ceiling with armfuls of catalogues for the iCandy Apple 2 Pear Tandem Pushchair, Babystyle Oyster 2… No, actually, again, you probably would. But it’d be the latest Turbo Roadster Nutter Mk6.
And the last word from a bloke on the quirks of parenthood – US comedian, social critic, actor, and author George Carlin:
‘When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear “27 months”.
“He’s 2,” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.’