So it's Saturday morning and I dare to even THINK about cooking a full English as a morning-after-the-night-before hangover cure. But no sooner than the thought's entered my head than...BEEP! BEEP! BEEEEEEP! Anyone else out there own the world's most needy, oversensitive, highly-strung smoke alarm..?! There it flippin' goes again... My smoke alarm goes off if...


1. I grill bacon

Smoke alarm: Woman eating bacon sandwich



2. I fry sausages

Man and woman smiling at sausage



3. There’s the merest hint of stir-fry in the air

Smoke alarm: wok on fire



4. It’s Sunday – a proper roast is far too much to ask

Woman holding burnt roast joint



5. It’s Pancake Day – OMG, complete and utter meltdown

Smoke alarm: pancake with smiley face



6. I have the cheek to pop a slice of bread in the toaster

Blackened toast in flaming toaster



7. I have the temerity to pre-heat the oven

Woman at flaming oven



8. I put more than 3 socks in the tumble drier

Woman holding nose at tumble drier



9. The cat sneezes

Cat sneezing



10. I breathe…

woman in gas mask

Rex Features


…well, at least that’s how it feels. Course, I’m glad I’ve got a fully-functioning smoke alarm really. For info on how to keep your home safe, click here!