So, shoot me down – I'm sorry, I'm just not a doggy person, OK? Here's why...
1. They smell. And when it rains, they really smell.
2. They have large teeth and are born hunters. Yes, I’m scared, alright?
3. They slobber. A lot – all over you, licking your face (right on the lips) and hands and leaving behind a slimy trail. Then you have to smile politely to the owner: ‘Friendly little chap, isn’t he?’ you mutter as you gag and reach into your bag for the hand sanitiser.
4. They need walking. If I want to get fit, I’ll go to the gym. And I won’t need to take a pooper-scooper with me.
5. They’re dumb. Anything that has to go to classes just to learn to ‘sit’ can’t be all there.
6. They bark, they howl, they yap, they growl and they whimper. And then their owners start shouting back: ‘Shaaaaat uuuuup, King!’
7. Owners treat them like surrogate children. ‘Who’s Mummy’s clever girl, then?’ And don’t get me started on all those ridiculous, overpriced little outfits…
8. Pugs – enough already! Their ugly, little, wrinkly faces are everywhere – on mugs, on t-shirts, on cushions…
9. Dog poo. Ugh! Why can’t they cover it up after they’ve been?! And let’s leave peeing up lampposts to inebriated men and tramps.
10. They’re intrinsically linked to the whole hunting and shooting and fishing, bags-of-energy ‘outdoorsy’ lifestyle. Some of us would just rather sit indoors eating chips and watching telly, thank you.
11. They do that sex thing with your leg. It’s just so embarrassing – for you and the dog.
12. It’s the whole image thing I have a problem with: snooty types with gun dogs; chavs with Staffies; bimbos with handbag-sized chihauhaus (which, let’s be honest, aren’t much more than a rat on a lead really).
But hang on, what’s that you say..? Some dogs are quite cute..? And they’re incredibly caring, loyal, protective pets who bring immense joy and love to people’s lives, especially the old, the sick and the lonely..? And some are incredibly brave, and clever and hardworking..? They can even save lives..? And cat lovers are all just mad old women..? Hmm – well, maybe..