Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum... you've got massive feet and it's not fun! Owning a prize pair of clodhoppers isn't like being able to lose weight. No matter how hard you wish it, you’ll never shave an inch off your plates of meat. There’s a whole world of torment that the 'average toe' has no idea about. Tread carefully through the 27 problems only women with big feet know...
1. As a kid, shoe shopping meant the assistant would always get out that scary metal scale. So cold! Just like the stab to your heart with every growth spurt. Boys beside you were trying on shoes half your size.
2. You grew out of the big kids’ sizing system, and the dream of owning Magic Steps from Clarks (what girl doesn’t want a magic key in their heel?) died.
3. Your mother must’ve been miffed handing over adult prices for shoes you’d grow out of in a matter of weeks. Curse your father and his size 13s!
4. Of course, your brother’s smug about his size 12s. Yeah, boys, keep grinning, but it’s a myth.
5. ‘One size fits all’ trainer socks? Not likely. Your heels rubbed constantly as they slipped down over your ankle, hindering your skills in every P.E lesson.
6. Being ‘ladylike’ was never an option. Clumsy was your middle name, as you tripped over your own feet constantly.
7. Dainty Cinderella style stilletos will never be yours. High heels make you look like a drag queen. Not even a good one.
8. You’ve nearly lost friendships when other girls moan about their ‘massive’ size 6 feet. YOU. KNOW. NOTHING.
9. You can only ever take one spare pair of shoes on holiday, as they take up your ENTIRE SUITCASE.
10. You’ve been teased relentlessly about your tootsies. Your brother and even, for shame, your parents will laugh as they compare you to a Clown / Hobbit / Bigfoot / comment that you won’t need a canoe you can just use your shoes, etc.
11. Your friends’ suggest bowling and, from bitter experience, you know only men’s sizes will fit. The spotty assistant smirks handing them over, and all your mates ask, in increasingly high pitched and incredulous tones – ‘WHAT SIZE ARE YOU?!’ as if you’re some sort of freak. Which you are.
12. The horror of the High Street. You know exactly which shops you’ve a hope in hell of finding your size but even then comes the inevitable… ‘Sorry, we only stock up to 7… but we can order some in the next fortnight…’ When leather stocks have been sufficiently replenished to cope.
13. The eager I-want-to-punch-you-in-the-face assistant…‘We haven’t got any 8s but here’s a 7 for you to try on, just in case’… IN CASE WHAT? If I could squeeze these monsters into anything smaller d’you think I wouldn’t be doing so already?! You stomp outta there with your head held high.
14. Praise be for internet shopping where the drop down box never judges. But, of course, your giant size is always ‘out of stock’… Most likely purchased in bulk by a bunch of touring Drag Queens.
15. In fact, you’ve so many alerts set up for when your size is back in stock, you’re certain your online account indicates to customer services reps that you are indeed a man.
These really are works of art for your feet!
When your clothes are out to get you!
The ugly truth behind the fairytales..
16. You’ve dozens of shoes that you tried on in shops and convinced yourself they’d ‘stretch out’ with wear. THE AGONY. THE BLOOD. THE BACK OF THE WARDROBE.
17. Trainers shops are your fave, as USA sizing means you can ask for a marginally smaller size.
18. Travelling by plane, your feet will swell so you cannot risk taking off your shoes and unleashing the beasts or you’ll never get your shoes back on.
19. Summer arrives and flip flops are unavoidable. No amount of painting your trotters will make them look pretty.
20. When you go for a pedicure / spa day you’re given ‘one size fits all’ slippers. Oh well, the hard skin on your heels is numb from years of flapping over the edge. Which is why you need the pedicure. The vicious circle will never end.
21. Sharing shoes with your friends is a no-no. Worse is that crushing moment when you’ve to tell someone new what size you take. ‘You can borrow mine, I’m a 6,’ they say expectantly, like that’s the biggest possible size… Oh. No, you can’t. Suddenly they’re terrified you’ll suggest trying them on and stretching ‘em out of shape. You’re tempted but your toes simply can’t handle the pain.
22. It’s not all bad! If you’re ever stuck, you can borrow men’s walking boots or trainers for muddy trips to the park. JOY.
23. Then, when you get a new boyfriend, there’s that first awkward moment they see your feet naked. ‘Wow, they ARE big,’ they’ll raise an eyebrow.
24. Worse, you discover your feet are the same size – or BIGGER – than your boyfriend’s. Cringe.
25. You love reading articles about big-footed celebrity ladies…which is probably why they got famous so they’d have professional STYLISTS to sort their trotters out.
26. When you finally find a pair of shoes that genuinely fit, you never ever ever want to let them go. When the irreparable holes inevitably come, the devastation is real.
27. On the bright side, when you do find your size, at least you’re getting more material for your money!
Can you add these problems only women with big feet know? Comment below!