These are statements that will fill you with dread, enrage you, or, in some cases, even make you cry! Hopefully, at times, our list of things you never want to hear will also make you giggle…


1.  ‘It’s not you, it’s me…’

2. You hear your ex is getting married.

3. ‘You’re too late to check in for that flight, the plane is now boarding.’



4. ‘You remind me of my mum.’

5. ‘And now, later than billed…’ (When you’re about to watch the last episode of a recorded series).



6. A large glass of white wine contains the same calories as a doughnut.

7. The last train has gone.

8. The automated-location announcement on the bus makes you realise that you’ve got on one going the wrong way.

9. ‘Would you like to try that in a larger size?’

10. A salesperson rushes towards you with a product they promise will: ‘Sort out your unruly frizz’.

11. Shopping with your mum and some cheeky chappy on a market stall asks if you’re sisters.

12. ‘If you’d just pop on the scales for me…’

13. ‘I’d love a drink. A large vodka and tonic please.’

14. ‘Since you ask, yes your bum does look big in that.’

15. ‘I’d give it 10 minutes if I were you…’



16. ‘Do you have a minute to answer a couple of simple questions?’

17. ‘If you’d just go behind the screen, remove your clothes and hop on the bed.’

18. ‘You sound just like your mother.’

19. ‘Have you been cutting your own hair?’

20. ‘You’ll never guess what you did last night…’

21. ‘Oh, look, she’s wearing the same outfit as you.’



22. ‘We need to talk…’

23. ‘We’ve got planning permission to build an extension.’ (Your next-door neighbour informs you).

24. The bloke you’ve fancied for ages tells you he has a girlfriend.

25. ‘We don’t have the shoes you wanted in your size.’

26. ‘I’m afraid the bar’s closed.’

27. ‘Did you want regular or Diet Coke with that?’

28. ‘We’re experiencing a high volume of calls at the moment…’

29. ‘You’re brave wearing a skirt that short at your age.’

30. You ask Gran how she is and when she says: ‘Mustn’t grumble’. You know she will for an hour! The same scenario applies when she replies: ‘Can’t complain…’

31. ‘Am I speaking to the homeowner?’

32. ‘Have you been eating garlic?’



33. ‘The calls are coming from inside the house…’

34. ‘Are you wearing that to go out?’

35. ‘You look tired.’

36. ‘I’m afraid your card’s been declined.’

37. ‘Let’s go round the room and everyone can say their name and then tell us an interesting fact about themself.’

38. ‘The dentist is ready to see you now…’

39. ‘Sharp scratch coming.’

40. ‘When’s it due?’ (You’re not pregnant!)

41. Your next-door neighbour’s son has just bought a drum kit.



42. ‘Thank you for your interest, but I’m afraid your application wasn’t successful.’

43. ‘I need some space…’

Now cheer yourself with things that make us grin. Search ‘17 little things’.