Milton Keynes and Ashby de la Zouch may be British place names by day, but by night (at least, in our demented brains) they’re muscle-bound hunks with six-packs and bad mullets, ready to make your every sexual fantasy come true! So ladies, get ready to have your buttons popped by the places that sound like Mills and Boon heroes….
Picture the scene – our heroine Chelmsley Wood is about to be ravished by handsome hunk Ashby de la Zouch….
Chelmsley Wood’s bosom heaved with lust.
‘Make love to me, Ashby de la Zouch!’ she rasped as he grappled her onto his leopardprint bedspread.
The earth was about to move for them both, when the door flew open.
‘Oh, my God!’ Chelmsley gasped.
For standing there, shirt slashed to the navel, blonde mullet wafting in the breeze, was her long-lost lover Chester Le Street.
‘Chester!’ she spluttered. ‘I thought you’d died after falling into a vat of perming solution.’
‘Looks like he fell into a vat of Cuprinol if you ask me,’ hissed Ashby, envious of Chester’s mahogany tan.
Chester’s eyes narrowed.
‘As you can see I’m very much alive,’ he sneered, thrusting his pelvis manfully. ‘So Chelmsley, who’s it to be – me or de la Douche?’
Ashby puffed out his chest in rage. ‘It’s Zouch I’ll have you know!’ he squeaked. ‘Zouch!”
For a moment, Chelmsley was torn.
Yes, Ashby was strong, sensitive, and hung like a donkey. But Chester did have a lovely mullet, not to mention a never-ending supply of fake tan. And he always put the bins out without being asked.
Chelmsley was still ruminating on her love rivals’ merits when a figure clad entirely in black came crashing through the window.
‘The Milk Tray Man?’ Ashby and Chester gasped in unison.
But Chelmsley knew better.
‘Bognor Regis, at your service,’ the mystery hunk announced, teeth glinting Simon-Cowell-white from behind his balaclava. ‘And I’m here to marry Chelmsley!’
‘Bog off, Bognor!’ Ashby and Chester raged in harmony. ‘Chelmsley loves us!’
But, unbeknown to Ashby de la Zouch, Chester le Street, and the pearly-toothed Bognor, Chelmsley Wood had loved many, many others….
Chelmsley’s other Mills and Boon lovers include:
The Steady Boyfriends
Barton St David
Clayton Le Moors
Newton Le Willows
The sexy secret lovers
Chorlton cum Hardy
Cads who’ve broken her heart
Terrington St Clement
The lovelorn geeks who want her but can’t have her
Milborne St Andrew
And finally, her female love rivals
Hamble le Rice