Absence really does make the heart grow fonder. It also means your legs get shaved a hell of a lot less often! If you're in a long distance relationship, some of these are sure to sound a tad familiar...
1. If you only see your partner once a month, chances are that’s how often you shave your legs.
2. Likewise, for most of the month you’ll happily scoff whatever you fancy. Then three days before their visit, when your belly’s bigger than Homer Simpson’s, it’s crash diet a-go-go!
3. And while I don’t want to imply us long-distance lovers are total slobs, it’s fair to say when your lover finally arrives for their much anticipated visit, your house will be a darn sight cleaner and tidier than it was 24 hours earlier!
4. Your fridge will also be full of sumptumous food, booze and your partner’s favourite treats. The rest of the month it’ll sit half empty apart from a half-eaten tin of beans, a family sized slab of Dairy Milk, and a bag of well intentioned salad that’s started to go runny!
5. When friends insist you two must go round to theirs next time your partner is up, you smile and say – ‘We’d love to!’ What you actually mean is – ‘We’d love to! But as we only see each other once a month we’d love to spend the entire weekend in bed even more!’
6. Which is one of the joys of long distance relationships. When you’ve only got one weekend a month to spend together it means you’re still at it like rabbits, even when you’ve technically been dating for three years.
7. We say technically, because when people ask how long you’ve been together you never really know what to say. OK you might have met three years ago, but if you add up all the days you’ve spent together it probably only amounts to a couple of months.
8. Not that you aren’t in touch every day! Thanks to modern technology, us long distance lovers can text, email, Skype, Facebook, Whatsapp, and Snapchat till the cows come home!
9. As for telephone calls – when you’re in a long distance relationship there is no such thing as a ‘quick call’. Phone calls or Skype sessions usually last at least three hours!
10. That said, if you’re chatting by landline (yep, some of us oldies still do!) timers will be set to go off after 59 minutes so your beloved can phone you back before your landline provider starts charging you for the call. Repeat at least three times per conversation!
11. Despite not seeing each other very often, all these lengthy calls, emails and Skype sessions mean you’re just as close as a ‘normal’ couple.
12. Sometimes though, particularly if you’re sad, stressed or feeling ill, a phone call just isn’t the same as a pair of arms around you. But you know if it really came to it, your loved one would be on the next coach/train/leaping into their car to get to you asap, and you’d do exactly the same!
13. When trudging round the supermarket on a Saturday afternoon, you suddenly notice practically everyone else is shopping in a couple and have a little pang of envy. So what if they’re bickering over whether to have lasagne or pizza for tea, at least they’re not having Fray Bentos for one. *Sniff*
14. Talking of bickering, no couple likes to argue but when you’re in a long distance relationship every moment is precious, so having a row feels extra upsetting. Especially if it’s just before one of you has to go home.
15. You get that ‘Sunday night before school’ feeling the evening before they or you are due to go home.
16. Once they’ve gone, you do miss them but console yourself with the knowledge you’re free to start enjoying entire evenings sat in your jimjams, eating pizza and farting with impunity once again!
17. And it’s brilliant being able to have the bed all to yourself for most of the month…
18. …without anyone snoring next to you!
19. When planning your next visit, non-drivers curse the fact they never learnt to drive. Drivers curse the fact traffic jams mean it’ll take them hours longer to get there than the train. Both curse the fact that train fares/petrol are so bloody expensive!
20. In the summer, you can guarantee that the weekend you visit your partner there’ll be a heatwave in your part of the country, while it’ll chuck it down in theirs.
21. When one of those surprisingly hot days suddenly pops up out of nowhere you’re always gutted your partner doesn’t just live round the corner so you can enjoy a few sunshiney drinks in a local beer garden.
22. The 24 hours before your partner visits always drrrrags, but the time you’re together flies by.
23. You secretly daydream about moving to their neck of the woods…
24. …but are worried the magic might be ruined!
25. You have to have a lot of trust! Without it, your long distance love hasn’t got a chance!