Fast walkers. Our aim: To get from A to B in the quickest time possible. We'll speed down streets, cut corners, dash diagonally across roads to cover more ground. And wherever possible we'll hurry along the route as the crow flies. This is no mean feat. Here are just some of the problems we determined fast walkers come across en route...
Even when people walk up them, THEY’RE STILL FAR TOO SLOW!
We’re walking so fast they constantly blow inside out. Even when there’s no wind. Useless things.
Our eyes are focused only on our end point, so these mini humans are harder to spot. We bump into them (sorry Mums and Dads). But we’re simply moving too fast to see them.
4. Ticket barriers
And turnstiles! We’re always accidentally letting other people through with our ticket. We simply assume they’re moving as quickly and efficiently as us. Then they unexpectedly stumble, dither, and BAM, we’ve already swiped / scanned our ticket.
5. The high street
Shudder. We can NEVER go there. No one moves faster than shuffle speed. Any attempt to walk down this heaving corridor to hell and us fast walkers will self implode.
6. People who ask ‘where’s the fire?’
PIPE DOWN! The aim is to get to our destination AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE! It is logic at its purest! Unfortunately we have no time for a sarky comeback for these anti-speedsters because we’re already 50-metres away.
7. Wheelie Suitcases
Ouch! These little pavement hugging knee bruisers are a total liability to fast walkers. With our eyes pinned straight ahead, they’re invisible and we’re forever marching into them. And when we have one ourselves watch your toes! We’re moving too fast to watch them for you!
Of course, fast walking ladies can pick up some pace in a pair of stilettos. We’re professionals after all. But we still prefer flats to optimize our speed.
9. Internet journey planners
These blasted things are never right! They say it’s a 20-minute walk when we KNOW WE CAN DO IT IN 14!
10. Slow friends who blame ‘little legs’
Lame. Some speedy walkers are 5ft 2in and can walk a mile in 16 minutes! Stop dawdling.
11. People who can’t keep up!
Yet fail to mention we’re walking too fast. We won’t notice! Not even if it’s our Grandma and she’s panting, trying to keep up with a wild panicked look in her eyes. We forget others don’t have our pace power. Sorry Nan!
12. People who stroll side by side
Do you really need to be so sociable?! We’re packing some pace here. We either have to barge past or end up rushing up the road to pass. Seriously, fast walkers should have our own lane or something. Like cyclists.
13. Sudden stoppers
We will crash into you from behind. We have a longer breaking time to normal folk. And it’s NEVER our fault.
Looking at maps/taking photos/generally looking a bit lost. They always pick the worst places to stand! MOVE! YOU’RE IN THE WAY. Don’t even think we’re going to stop so you can take your snap of Big Ben! But at least we’re going too fast to be asked for directions!
15. Train stations
Argh! Just ARGH! And rush hour? Can’t cope. Too many people shuffling about. Elbows out, shoulders forward, and…go!