Sadly, Frank Skinner hasn’t invited us on his show – guess we’re not famous enough! But if he did, we’d have loads of stuff that we’d want to banish to that room of no return. Here are just some of them…
1. Rubbish Buskers
Who doesn’t love a free musical performance when they’re out and about? Us! It’s fine if the artists are good, but often they just make a din. We were on holiday in the Canaries enjoying a drink in a lovely peaceful square when the noisiest Mariachi band in the world turned up. There were loads of them and we’re sure one bloke was just banging a wooden box with a stick!
2. Condiment Sachets
Those little sauce packets are impossible to open. There’s a selection of them in a little pot on your dinner table and your hot meal has arrived. Sadly, by the time you’ve managed to get into your condiment sachets, your dinner’s gone cold. Plus everything is covered in ketchup including your fingers.
3. People Who Wear Shades Indoors
Sunglasses can look cool when it’s a sunny day and they’re worn outside. But keeping shades on when you go inside just looks ridiculous. It’s also rude when you’re talking to someone and they leave sunspecs on and you can’t see the expression in their eyes.
4. Dressed Up Pets
Well, not the pets themselves, obviously, it’s not their fault. But the owners of animals who’ve decided that a handsome dog would look even more impressive dressed in a sequinned hat, bow tie and designer shades. You’re wrong. Just look at how unimpressed this pooch appears to be with his party outfit!
5. Youngsters Who Say ‘Like’ Constantly
Kids these days, eh? Some of them can’t string two words together without sticking ‘like’ in between. Although it’s not just youngsters who do it, will.i.am who’s now 41, exasperated Miriam Margolyes on The Graham Norton Show with his overuse of the word. Watch her reprimand him here (warning clip may contain adult content)…
Talking of using words badly, using bad words gets our goat just as much! We have a rich vocabulary to choose from and yet so many feel the need to blaspheme. It sounds so ignorant and really jars with us when we hear sweary types. We think the only folk who can get away with it, are gangsters. Not sure Robert DeNiro would be quite as menacing in Goodfellas if he’d replaced the F bomb with ‘fiddlesticks’.
7. Socks Worn With Skirts
If you’re going to wear a skirt, either wear tights or go bare-legged. Socks should not be worn with skirts or dresses unless you’re at school. We particularly dislike pop socks when they’re being worn as tights, but aren’t quite long enough, so when the wearer sits down, you can see the tops of them…
8. Party Games
We hate that moment, normally at Christmas, when somebody suggests Charades! We envy those people who say they spent the whole time sitting in front of the telly while we were busy trying to get a bunch of drunk relations to understand your mime of 50 Shades Of Grey (book and film, by the way)! We weren’t even allowed to point to anything grey as that’s against the rules. So we had to resort to doing an interpretation of the whole thing, which really wasn’t pretty!
9. Pub Quizzes
‘Let’s get a team together and enter the pub quiz at the local,’ a friend says. So a group of pals, whose specialist subjects seem to consist of TOWIE and Made In Chelsea, bowl up to find a bunch of boffins with degrees in stuff like neuroscience who clink pints every time they know an answer! Then there’s all the falling out with mates if we answer a question too loudly or guess wrongly. Not a fun evening at all! Although it seems the boffs hadn’t heard of Jamie Laing!
10. Foreign Words
We don’t mean speaking another language, that’s clever and useful. We’re talking about pretentious foreign words that people throw into conversation to sound cool. What used to be a little get together is now a ‘soiree’. A place where you can’t swing a cat is ‘bijou’ and you’re invited to dine at Chez (add person’s name). In fact a pal once put them altogether in one sentence when she said: ‘I’m having a bijou soiree at Chez Penny’s if you’d like to mosey on by!’ We preferred Del Boy’s take on talking another language to impress. Altogether now: ‘Mange tout, mange tout!’
In the right place, glitter can be a glorious thing. But once it escapes the card it travelled into your home on, and starts turning up elsewhere, it freaks you out. It has the uncanny knack of getting everywhere! Even once we think we’ve cleared up the tiny, shiny pieces of torment, we’ll spot another one. But guess what, when we get close, it disappears and then when we retreat, the sun catches it and, boom, it’s back!
After compiling this list, we realised that we’d barely got started on things that we’d love to put in Room 101, so we’re going to be running a series over the next six weeks. Every Friday you’ll be able to find five more bug bears that we want to banish, so look out for them and see if you agree…