Stoptober, Go Sober for October, Steptember, Dry January and now Month off March. All our months are being hijacked by abstinance. Yes, OK, they're worthy campaigns to get us to ditch our vices, be healthier, while raising much needed cash for charity etc etc etc. But there's even Veganuary, Feb-fast and dry-July! And what about Lent?! OK, maybe not that one. But constant sobriety? Diets? Staying in? Give us a break! We're starting to feel a little pressured! So, instead of abstinance, here's our very tongue-in-cheek calendar for anyone who thinks it's time to give up giving up!
Now we’re not condoning binge drinking. But let’s face it, January is about as popular as Monday. So instead of laying off the booze, treat yourself to a delicious, refreshing gin. Especially if it’s a Monday IN January. Shudder.
Yes, obesity is bad, cholesterol is a silent killer. But no lectures please – we know! Besides, fatty foods are sooooo delicious. So, in February we’re going to dive straight into a vat of fatty food and eat our way through it. See you on the other side.
3. Go Large for March!
You probably remember the bloke from Super Size Me and the terrible effect all those burgers had on his health. But Go Large for March doesn’t mean scoffing masses of fast food. This can be any meal of your choosing – just bigger. And everyone knows bigger is better. Just remember, size matters guys. So super-size that salad.
Go on! Unleash your inner Bruce Bogtrotter!
5. Munch through May
Now you’ve got to May, why stop there? Just keep eating. It’s not like it’s the law that we have to eat our food in three specific mealtimes dictated by erm, some heath nut yonks ago. A cow doesn’t know if it’s breakfast, lunch or dinner. So be like a cow – graze away all day (only probably not on grass).
6. Junk Food June!
Go ahead! Fill your boots with all those foods your mother, the doctor and the Government tell you not to eat! They’re just old bores anyway. No scouring the menu for the tasteless, dull ‘healthy option’ this month!
7. Judgement Free July
Ever ordered a family-sized pizza to yourself, or a 20oz steak, on top of a starter and wedge of cake and felt totally judged by the skinny waitress? Not this month. She’s probably just bitter because she’s on Juice-July or something equally ridiculous. Don’t let ANYONE widen their eyes as you stuff a second cream bun in your mouth. This is No Judgement July and we will not put up with it!
Custard goes with everything, right?! In fact, custard is a perfectly delicious dessert all on it’s own. Custard with more custard. Custard, custard, custard. CUSTARD!
Sticky, sugary, additive packed sweetness for 30 sugar-high days. Go crazy, like a, well, an adult in candy store! And no fruit please…unless they’re Gums or Pastilles! Strawberries, cherrys, raspberries, blackberries – they all have a chewy sugary alternative! Then there’s apple and pear sours, sherbet lemons. You can even get fried eggs in sweet format! Drool. The possibilities are endless. Just remember to brush your teeth after every teeth-rotting meal!
And to avoid that Sweetember sugar crash it’s straight into Choctober! We’re talking Augustas Gloop in Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. Dive straight into that warm, melted, creamy river. Shower under that chocolatey waterfall. Just try to avoid those pesky Oompah Loompas…
11. Nom Nom November
Time to eat nothing but that favourite dish that instinctively has you going ‘nom nom nom’ everytime you think of it. Perhaps it’s a bacon butty, pizza, chicken soup, apple pie, or a red hot vindaloo. Or maybe, like this lady, it’s a bowl of plain spaghetti (bit weird, but whatever!). Anyway, enjoy.
12. Decadent December
Let’s face it, we all eat and drink like gluttonous pigs in December anyway. It’s where the whole idea of dry January came from. So why hold back? Go the whole hog! Eat the BEST, sickliest, creamiest chocolate truffles you can find. Splurge on the finest steak, the richest cake – wash it down with the oakiest merlot, a bottle of Dom Perignon, or a 60-year-old scotch.
And then, it’s time for Ginuary again! Cheers!