These four famous men are dead and buried, but their little friends live on…
1. Napoleon’s little bonaparte
We start our tour of famous todgers with that of Emperor of the French, King of Italy, Protector of the Confederation of the Rhine…Napoleon Bonaparte – a man who dominated Europe in the early years of the 19th century. He died in exile on the tiny island of St Helena in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean on 5th May 1821. And because there was some question over his cause of death, an autopsy was done. Which is where this story gets strange…
The doctor decided to amputate the great man’s member. To keep as a souvenir. Bonaparte’s boner was smuggled back to Corsica, where he’d been born, and was passed down through the doctor’s family. A one-eyed heirloom. It was bought in 1924 by an American book collector, and then again in 1977 by John Lattimer, a New Jersey professor of urology, for the sum of £3,000.
John died in 2007, and Napoleon’s boner-part went to his son. John and his family have promised to respect the little corporal and not put him on display to the public. But it did go on public display at a New York museum in the 1920s. A newspaper review described the deceased Emperor’s love banana as being like a ‘shrivelled eel’. But let’s give the man a break…shrivelled or not, that eel is over 200 years old.
2. King Tut’s final salute
Famous Egyptian pharaoh Tutankhamun had an eventful life. But an even more eventful death. On the side of his tomb was inscribed the words, Death shall come on swift wings to him who disturbs the peace of the king. This warning was ignored by the archeologist Howard Carter, who discovered the tomb in 1922. With dire consequences.
Before long, 11 of Howard’s colleagues had died mysteriously…and 10 years later, Howard himself was dead. Which is pretty weird. But not as weird as what happened to King Tut’s crowning glory…
He was mummified with an erection. His penis made to stand at a perfect 90 degree angle to the rest of his body forever. This was so he’d resemble the ancient god Osiris in the afterlife. A mummified morning glory for all eternity. Except Tutankhamun’s stiffy didn’t quite make it to eternity. It broke off after his tomb was discovered. And then, it went missing…
3. Rasputin’s trouser python
It’s hard to see what the glamorous, young Tsarina Alexandra saw in the priest Rasputin, with his straggly beard and scary, staring eyes. But rumours the pair were lovers didn’t help the Tsarist cause as Russia careered towards the revolution of 1917.
In December 1916, Rasputin was assassinated by a group of Russian aristocrats who thought he’d overstepped his mark with the Tsarina. And just to make their point, the assassins cut Rasputin’s willy off and discarded it in the wintry Russian snow. It was picked up by a maid, and now sits in a jar in the Saint Petersburg Museum of Sex and Erotica.
It’s 12 inches long. But that’s not the most impressive thing about Rasputin’s trouser python. In life, Rasputin was said to have mystical powers. And so, in death, does his penis. Men come from miles around to see it because a single glance is said to cure impotence.
4. Jesus’ lil’bit
This is a man who needs no introduction. Jesus was born into the Jewish faith, which means that, when he was eight days old, he was circumcised. As was the custom at the time, his foreskin was preserved within an alabaster box. Jesus being Jesus, his foreskin soon had a special name, the Holy Prepuce. And after his death, it became hugely valuable.
In the Middle Ages, nuns, monks and priests would put the Holy Prepuce into their mouths. To bring them closer to the Lord. So intense was the experience of tasting the ancient foreskin, which was said to resemble a flattened chickpea, a nun called Agnes of the Third Order of Saint Francis had an orgasm on her pew. Holy moly.
After that, the HP was kept in a church in the Italian town of Calcata. Every year, on 1 January, the Feast of the Circumcision of Our Lord, the HP was paraded through the streets of the town. And, of course, people came from far and wide to catch a glimpse.
But then, in 1983, it disappeared. It had been stolen. Rumour has it the Vatican stole it, as top-ranking bishops had been expressing concern that the foreskin encouraged ‘irreverent curiosity’. But whatever became of the HP, it’s sure to make you think of chickpeas in a brand new light.