Perfume – it’s designed to allure and captivate the senses. Or at least, that’s what we thought! Fragrances can be amazingly evocative. Catch the scent of cut grass, and it can instantly transport you back to your childhood. Or perhaps a trace of a floral scent will bring memories of a loved one. But what about some of these odd olfactory offerings..?

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1. Funeral home

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iStockphoto

Who’d have thought that being laid to rest could inspire a fragrance? But here’s Funeral Home, from Demeter Fragrance Library. It’s described as a ‘blend of classic white flowers, lilies, carnations, gladiolus, chrysanthemums with stems and leaves, with a hint of mahogany and oriental carpet…’ Marketed as a Pick-Me-Up Cologne Spray, perhaps it should be Dig-Me-Under?

 

2. Earthworm

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iStockphoto

And, as a companion fragrance, why not try Demeter’s Earthworm? This evokes ‘moist, rich soil on the floor of a forest’. Apparently. Take a look at its range of more unusual fragrances – Cannabis Flower or Mildew, anyone?

 

3. Blood, sweat, sperm

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iStockphoto

Who says romantic fragrance is dead? The description for this says, ‘Like blood, sweat, sperm, saliva, Secretions Magnifiques from Etat Libre D’Orange is as real as an olfactory coitus that sends one into raptures…’ This Paris perfumier also makes True Lust – spray it on with Secretions to enjoy a double-whammy, perhaps?

 

4. Burger grill

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A limited-edition, one-off, meat-scented cologne from Burger King, the Japanese blurb for its hot fragrance named Flame claims: ‘Customers can wear the much-loved, flame-grilled patty scent on their bodies, letting them feel like they’re in a restaurant any time’. Flame is being promoted in the US as ‘the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat’. Classy! But sadly, although this is a bargain at £2.65, it seems to be sold out. Perhaps, as it launched on 1 April, it might’ve been a prank pong..?

 

5. Eau de stilton

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iStockphoto

Say cheese! Eau de Stilton is apparently a ‘distinctive’ olfactory blend of notes, including clary sage, yarrow and angelica seed. The perfume, specially blended for the Stilton Cheese Manufacturing Association, ‘recreates the earthy and fruity aroma of Blue Stilton cheese in an eminently wearable perfume’. And you’re sure to attract lots of rodent admirers!

 

6. Lady garden

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iStockphoto

Yes, Vulva is ‘the real erotifying vaginal scent of a desirable woman’, which, its creators say, ‘captures the treasured organic vaginal scent in a long lasting way’. And no surprises that it seems to have been developed with men in mind. Its creators say it can be used to ‘enhance a situation, for example, watching TV or a DVD, or with your partner. You can apply it to the back of the hand and use the aroma to add another dimension.’ Just. So. Wrong.

 

7. Fireplace

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iStockphoto

From the company that brought you Paperback – ‘just like your favourite second-hand bookshop’ and Play-Doh, ‘a whimsical scent reminiscent of childhood’ – comes Fireplace from The Library of Fragrance, ‘the wonderful, comforting scent of the fireplace on a cold winter’s evening. It smells exactly like your jumper after sitting for hours in front of a roaring wood-burning fire’. And NOT like your dog as it dries out after a muddy, winter walk.

 

8. Cat’s head

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Not a perfume as such, but a fabric spray, Moho Mohu Odeko or Kaori Fabric Water – or ‘Fluffy Brow Scented Fabric Water’ – was created by Japan’s Yamamoto Perfumery. It ‘simulates the sublime scent of a cat’s forehead, which some say smells like sunshine and others say smells like freshly baked bread’ or ‘a futon that’s been dried in the sun’. So if you want to recreate the scent of snuggling up to your furry feline friend, this is obviously the cat’s whiskers!