"Oh what lovely thick hair you have," people exclaim! Thanks, but are you aware of the agony we have to go through managing it?
1. Pre-book the bathroom
For starters, it takes practically a whole night to wash, condition, dry and style!
(How come they manage to rinse off the shampoo so damn quickly in the salon?)
It’s a good job you have catch up TV, because this is going to take up more time than a couple of episodes of War and Peace!!!
2. Prep and primp = lank and limp!
When it’s finally partially dry, you have to use so much serum / oil / styling cream to calm it down into something that doesn’t resemble a tumbleweed in Arizona, it actually ends up looking greasy, flat and in need of another wash! It’s Catch 22!!
3. Just a load of hot ‘air !
Oh, to be able to do a blow-dry like you see on the TV ads, a nice sleek waterfall of hair tumbling down your back! But no, all you end up with is arm ache and partially straight bits nestling between mostly frizzy strands! That’s if you can get your hairbrush through it in the first place!
You could let it dry naturally, great for the first few hours, but you can guarantee when you wake up the next morning it will have done it’s own vengeful, unmanageable thing!
4. Cant do a bloomin’ thing with it!
How you envy those women who can just pop their hair up into a cute messy top knot, with bouncy strands twirling down.
Not you. Oh no. The weight of it drops down in a halo around your head, so it ends up looking like a like a big old ‘granny bun’!
And as for pins, decorative clasps, grips, clips etc, they either get lost in your hair, or pop out like it’s some kind of resistance mechanism…
A giant butterfly clip is the only thing that will hold the weight of your massive mane.
5. Try everything once!
You try every conceivable treatment on the planet to try and quench its never-ending thirst and make it look healthy and shiny, thus ending up with a bathroom full of half-used products that haven’t made any difference!
“You simply MUST try this new product!” your stylist enthuses, “a little goes a long way!”
Oh no it doesn’t! A little doesn’t go very far at all!!
But what the hell, you buy it anyway, because THIS might be the magic potion that will turn your straw into silk! And at £50 per 100ml it’s GOT to work!
6. The big brush off
You can’t simply brush your hair like normal people because, for one, the brush usually gets tangled up in your hair, and two, it just morphs into a shapeless frizz! So, no being able to whip out a pretty little hairbrush on the bus, to give it a quick tidy up either, the only time it gets properly brushed is before you wash it!
7. Style rules
It’s neither straight or curly, and most days it just forms an asymmetrical shape that doesn’t tick the “sleek straight” OR “wild bohemian curls” boxes!
Ok, you’ve tried styling tools. Straighteners are great, but it takes an eternity to get your whole head done.
Curlers and heated curlers, fine. You get them all in (finally) and can’t wait to take them out and watch them bounce into shiny curls. Except, even the ‘easy to remove’ rollers get stuck like barbed wire into a tangled mess, and have you so frustrated you’re close to cutting them out with the kitchen scissors!
You might be thinking, “If its so bad, then why not get it cut?”
The simple answer is, if you wear this kind of hair too short, all it does is increase the problem and you’ll end up with a “Brian May on a bad hair day” look!
Sorry Brian, we love you really!!!