It’s the same age as the New Testament. Which means people have been reading, and practicing, the Kama Sutra for a very long time. But could you end up injuring yourself in the pursuit of pleasure? Here are some tips from the Kama Sutra you might want to avoid.

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Before we get started, you might like to know the word KAMA means ‘desire’ in the ancient Indian language, Sanskrit. SUTRA is a thread that holds things together. Just like the suture you’d get if you went to hospital with an open wound. Except, in the Kama Sutra, the thread is the penis, and the opening it fills, the vagina. The book’s author was an Indian philosopher called Vatsyayana. In the original text of the Kama Sutra, he included a chapter about how to write in secret code. Helpful for all you sexy spies out there…

1. Get hung, hornet style!

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To increase the size and potential of the penis: take shuka hairs – the shuka is an insect that lives in trees (basically, a wasp or hornet) – mix with oil and rub on the penis for ten nights. When a swelling appears sleep face downwards on a wooden bed, letting one’s sex hang through a hole.

Penis enlargement by wasp sting. Which for some would be extremely painful (to put it politely). And for others, would be lethal. About 5% of the population is allergic to wasp and hornet stings. And exposure to the sting venom could, for those people, result in death. But on the plus side, you’d die with a massive member…a massively swollen member.

 

2. The yawning position

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When she raises both of her legs, and places them on her lover’s shoulders, it is called the ‘yawning position.’

The yawning position allows for as deep a penetration as possible. And as the average vagina is 5inches deep and the average erect penis is 6.5inches long, you can see why such deep penetration may present problems. There’s a chance you might tear the vaginal wall. Or, if your partner has been rubbing shuka hairs into his schlong, he could possibly rupture your cervix. Proceed with caution.

 

3. Painful healing

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If a man has shed his semen in non-human females, in a man, in a menstruating woman, in something other than a vagina, or in water, he should carry out the Painful Heating vow.

Men should only ejaculate in the vagina of a non-menstruating human (just to be clear!) woman. No where else on (or in) her body. Not on or in a man. Not in a condom. Not into his hand. And not into a sock. That’s what the Kama Sutra is saying. But if your partner does ejaculate anywhere other than your honey pot, he’ll need to purify himself by performing the Painful Heating ritual. Which is described thus: ingest warm cow’s urine, cow dung, milk, yoghurt, melted butter, water infused with grass, then fast for one night. Hopefully, that’ll be a lesson learned for your partner. Especially if he manages to consume any of the harmful bacteria found in cow faeces.

 

4. Biting

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The chapter in the Kama Sutra dedicated to biting begins with the following advice: All the places that can be kissed are also the places that can be bitten, except the upper lip, the interior of the mouth, and the eyes. Yes. Even in your moments of wildest abandon, you should not bite your partner’s eyes. Wise words. The book lists several types of biting you might want to experiment with, including the Point Bite, the Broken Cloud Bite, and the Coral and the Jewel Bite. A Point Bite is when you bite your partner’s skin with your two front teeth, making the skin rise into a (sore) point. A Broken Cloud Bite is when the man puts as much of the woman’s breast as possible into his mouth, and then chomps. And a Coral and the Jewel Bite is a bite with all your teeth and should be performed on the buttocks (the lips are the coral and the mouth is the jewel). Perhaps most alarming is the Biting of the Boar. This is when you leave red marks across your partner’s skin. Marks that should resemble footprints left behind by a wild boar. Essentially, a row of hickeys. Which is not advisable if you have to go to work or be seen in public in the week(s) after the event. Incidentally, the Kama Sutra only recommends biting if your teeth are equal, possessed of a pleasing brightness, of proper proportions, unbroken, and with sharp ends. Beware those sharp ends.

 

5. Suspended congress

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When a man supports himself against a wall, and the woman, sitting on his hands joined together and held underneath her, throws her arms round his neck, and putting her thighs alongside his waist, moves herself by her feet, which are touching the wall against which the man is leaning, it is called the ‘suspended congress.

So, the man is standing. He lifts the woman off her feet. The woman wraps her legs around the man’s middle. And then he penetrates her vaginally. You need a strong man for this. And if he’s got a bad back, forget it. Of course, if you manage to get into position, there’s always a risk the man might drop you. The impact with the ground could fracture your tailbone. And if you fall suddenly, he could fracture his erect penis. You’ll know immediately if he’s fractured his special friend. There’ll be the cracking sound of hard tissue tearing. He’ll bruise, and will start to swell. And if he’s damaged his urethra, blood will come out with his wee. Get to a doctor. Fast. The longer you leave it, the more likely there’ll be complications down the line. Usually, the fracture is repaired by a simple, surgical procedure. But if there’s any scarring, it could cause the penis to curve to one side when erect.

Happy bonking!