Got kids going into exam season? Console yourself that they're never going to be THIS daft… Are they..?!

All the following daft exam answers are genuine responses to exam questions… Just think – this lot could one day be running the country or operating on you in hospital…

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Love through centuries


2. Name the four seasons: Salt, mustard, pepper, vinegar.

3. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

4. What is a co-operative? It’s a kind of shop that is not as dear as places like Marks & Spencer.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. What changes happen to your body as you age? When you get old, so do your bowels and you get inter-continental.

Exams: woman needing toilet


7. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

8. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

9. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped, ‘Tee hee, Brutus.’

10. Queen Elizabeth was the ‘Virgin Queen’. As a queen, she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted, ‘Hurrah.’

11. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

12. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? They’ll insist you’re well endowed if you’re buying a house.

Exams: man hoping to be well-endowed!


13. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

14. Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half-German, half-Italian and half-English. He was very large.

16. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

17. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.

18. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

Exams: the Marx Brothers

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19. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practised virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.