In a world that’s obsessed with breasts - especially the big and bouncy variety - us less-than-blessed in the chest department can often feel a little… deflated! But it's not all bad! Here's 14 things that only a flat-chested woman would know...
1. Having a B cup is NOT small!
Nothing enrages a woman who can only dream of filling an A cup more than a B cupper moaning on about their boobs being ‘too small’. Try having breasts that resemble gnats’ goose pimples, then you’ll know suffering!
2. You can’t find a bra in less than an A cup
Unless you want to wear childrens’ training bras or go specialist internet shopping, trying to find a bra smaller than an A cup on the high street is practically impossible. On the rare occasion you can find a Double A size, trying to rustle up something even vaguely resembling a cleavage with it will involve such brutal levels of padding, underwiring and vicious hoisting that you’ll be left barely able to move or breathe, and still look like you’re smuggling peas.
3. So you don’t bother wearing a bra at all!
One of the best things about being too flat-chested to need a bra, is precisely that! You don’t need to wear a bra! Not only does this save an enormous amount of money, you don’t have the hassle of worrying about whether your underwear matches (and who can be bothered anyway?!), and best of all, while your busty sisters are struggling with too-tight straps, clasps that pinch and underwiring that digs in, you’ll be jiggling free and in total comfort! Yay!
4. But you do wear a vest in the winter
There’s no getting away from it. Saying you wear a vest is about as sexy as admitting your haemorrhoids have just flared up. But it’s all in the selling! By re-labelling your humble vest as a camisole, teddy, or if you’re desperate – a tankini, images of old ladies smothered in Deep Heat will suddenly be replaced by visions of red-hot lingerie clad lovelies. At least, that’s the theory. Either way, be it a vest, teddy or camisole, whatever you do, remember not to tuck it in your knickers!
5. Small boobs don’t sag… much!
While it’s not true to say that small boobs don’t sag, they do stay perkier for much longer, and even when they do start to droop, it’s only a teeny-tiny bit! Honest!
6. You have cried in changing rooms… several times
Every Christmas it’s the same. The shops are full of gorgeous party dresses – strapless, plunging, underwired, with bustiers – and you can’t wear any of them. Desperate, you try them on anyway, hoping that somehow you can wing it. But you can’t. The front of your dress gapes forlornly, and cursing your tiny boobs, you pull the tissues out of the front of your vest and have a little sob at the injustice of it all.
7. You actually look better with your clothes off
Our super-busty sisters are the first the admit that while their boobs look magnificent upholstered in a bra and all those sexy party dresses we covet, once the bra is off everything tends to head southwards. Us flat-chested women often have the opposite problem. In clothes we can look ironing board flat and utterly shapeless. But once undressed, well, you can see we do have a figure after all!
8. Everyone thinks you’re slimmer than you actually are…
One advantage of being in the bee-sting brigade, is that people always think you’re slimmer than you are! It doesn’t matter if you’re wearing a size 14 pair of jeans, people will still insist you’re wayyy too skinny, and wonder how manage to get away with eating so much chocolate?!
9. …Until they see you in a bikini
If you’re a flat-chested woman who is lucky enough to also have slim, shapely pins, happy days! If however, you’re a flat-chested woman who is pear shaped and carries all her weight on her legs, you might curse your misfortune at being out of proportion. You might also curse at anyone daft enough to comment ‘Ooh you’ve actually got quite chunky legs‘, before offering them the chance to inspect your rapidly-rising ‘chunky’ knee at closer quarters…
10. When you lie down your boobs vanish completely
While women blessed with big bazongas may grumble about their boobs sliding into their armpits when they lie down, us flat-chested women have the unnerving experience of having our breasts vanish completely! Rumours of a ‘Flat Nav’ being invented to help relocate said small boobies have proved, sadly, unfounded.
11. You never believe men who tell you they prefer small boobs
Every flat-chested woman will tell you that when a man claims – ‘I really don’t like big boobs, small ones are much nicer’ – we don’t believe him. Ever! And after you’ve broken up and you bump into him with his new girlfriend? We can pretty much guarantee she ain’t gonna be tucking a vest into her undies…..
12. You never believe women who tell you they’d prefer small boobs
Chances are if you’re a flat-chested woman you’ve had busty friends tell you how they’d much rather be flat-chested because their boobs are so damned heavy, their back aches, and they have to wear uncomfortable bras all the time etc. Chances also are you don’t believe a bloody word! Because when busty women say ‘flat-chested’, you know what they really mean is a perky C cup, not your ‘Oh my God, is there really such thing as an AAA cup?’ micro mammaries.
13. Men talk to your face, not your chest
For every man who says he prefers small boobs, there’s plenty of others who frankly lose all brain power when confronted with an ample cleavage. Ask any big busted woman and we guarantee she’ll have at least one tale to tell of men speaking to her breasts rather than her face. Thankfully us flat-chested types don’t have this problem. In fact, the kind of morons who talk to women’s breasts rather than the person herself, tend to avoid women like us completely. And for that we’re eternally thankful!
14. The pencil test is a physical impossibility!
Any woman past puberty knows about the pencil test – ie: the test to determine if you need a bra. Basically the idea is you place a pencil beneath your breast, and if the weight of your boob holds it in place, you need a bra. If however, you’re in the goosepimple gang, the mere concept of having any kind of boob ‘overhang’ under which to rest a pencil? *Cue hysterical laughter….*