Sure, there’s a time and a place for soppy romcoms. After all, you watch films to be entertained, for happy-endings, for a glimmer of hope. It’s not that happily-ever-afters don’t happen in real life (IRL), they’re just never as perfect as the silver screen versions.

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When it comes to real life romcoms, your ‘Mr Right In Reality’ is not telepathic, a good singer, or dancer. I’ll bet declarations of love in front of all and sundry aren’t his thing either.

And, just FYI, the weather will never, ever be on your side. Being soaked to the skin – so NOT sexy. Even if your love life is a twist on a romantic comedy, it’s not one Jennifer Aniston would sign up to!

Here’s what would happen if popular romcons happened IRL…

Notting Hill

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REX Features

Original plot

Shy Portobello Road bookshop owner, Will (Hugh Grant), accidentally spills fruit juice over browsing Hollywood A-lister, Anna (Julia Roberts). Cue modern-day, fairytale romcom with uber upbeat, happy-ever-after ending as, after an on/off paparazzi-ridden romance, they find a way to be together. The end shot is the loved-up couple lounging together on a park bench. Anna is pregnant. Bliss.

IRL

Even if you believe for one second a Hollywood hottie and anonymous bookshop owner could become an item, they’d never last. He’d hate the constant cameras and faux glamour, she’d never be home, so he’d end up sleeping with the nanny, which would be front page news. A good cup of British tea can only fix so much. The (unhappy, but honest) End.

 

Twilight

Film - The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Original plot

Brooding vampire falls for a mere mortal, but – get this – he wants to marry her, NOT drink her blood…

IRL

Yeh, right! He’s more likely to Snapchat himself draining the life from her. #fangs4eva #necksrule

 

Knocked up

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REX Features

Original plot

Up and coming journalist gets drunk and hooks up with some ‘gorgeous’ guy – as seen through beer-goggles – then realises she’s preggers. Rather than go it alone, she decides to give her one-night-stand slacker a chance. Would you believe it, Mr Irresponsible ditches his slummy ways and transforms into the perfect daddy, complete with legit job and apartment.

IRL

Oh purlease. Sure, some women might go it alone, while others might choose not to have the baby. Regardless, 99.9999999% wouldn’t think twice about making a go of it with the loser guy who got them in this mess in the first place.

 

Juno

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REX Features

Original plot

Aw, quirky schoolgirl falls pregnant with her geeky guy. Scared, confused and angry, she’s a typical teen, and actually pretty cute. Suffice to say, it all works out in the end. Settling on adoption, Juno and her boyf decide not to see their little lad after he’s born. Fast-forward to summer, and the young couple are still together, playing guitars and singing together.

IRL

In reality, teenage pregnancy is harsh. It’s not cute, it’s not pretty and it’s not easy. You won’t end up singing round a campfire. You have been warned.

 

You’ve Got Mail

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REX Features

Original plot:

Struggling independent bookseller Kathleen Kelly (Meg Ryan), loathes corporate hotshot, Joe Fox (Tom Hanks), who opens a chain bookstore opposite hers. To escape, Ryan signs up to Internet dating and an anonymous online romance ensues with Hanks…though neither realises. When Hanks clocks on, he has to reconcile their business rivalry with his cyber love. SPOILER ALERT: he does!

IRL

Sure, these two have made a few good flicks together, and this is among them. However, call me pessimistic, but Joe Fox has single-handedly destroyed Kathleen Kelly’s dreams, livelihood and treasured memories. Not exactly long-term lover material. Besides, if he were on Tinder she’d suss him in a second, as they’d likely have a lot of the same booky interests. And, even if Kathleen did decide to give Joe a chance, he’d never swipe right for a jobless, neurotic woman. No Match!

 

The Notebook

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REX Features

Original plot:

Rich girl, Allie, falls desperately in love with poor mill worker. It’s mutual, obvs, but the heiress’ folks disapprove. However, when Noah (Ryan Gosling) heads off to serve in WWII, it seems to mark the end for them. Though he writes heartfelt letters EVERY DAY for a year to his love interest (Rachel McAdams), the pining heiress doesn’t receive any, as her mean mother intercepts them. Eventually, Allie marries A.N.Other. Meanwhile, Noah buys and restores the house they dreamed of sharing together. Fast forward three years, they’re reunited and, ultimately, die in each other’s arms. #sobs

IRL

Sure, summer flings are fun, and you may text a bit afterwards, if you can remember what name you drunkenly saved him under on your phone. But, as real life kicks in, you quickly realise you have nada in common, you ghost him and move on… Swiftly when he starts penning you daily letters, and buying that house – STALKER ALERT!

 

10 Things I Hate About You

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REX Features

Original plot

Kat Stratford (Julia Stiles) is beautiful, smart and so over other teens. Consequently, she’s not popular with the boys. Unfortunately for her younger sister, house rules say she can’t date until Kat does – cue a cunning plot to set up her big sis. Soon Kat crosses paths with handsome new arrival Patrick Verona (Heath Ledger). Mating mayhem ensues, but will Kat let herself fall for the effortlessly charming Patrick? SPOILER ALERT: Yes!

IRL

As if she ever really hates Patrick, aka Heath. I mean, come on! Even if he didn’t buy her a guitar and sing to her in front of the whole school, you wouldn’t exactly kick him out of bed. Back to that declaration of love in front of everyone… That would, NEVER happen, like, ever!

 

Pretty Woman

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REX Features

Original plot

In this Cinderella remake, an uber wealthy businessman falls for a hooker. After a mere week, they form an unlikely bond and, despite being from completely different worlds, he rescues her from her not-so-good one so she can become part of his. The End.

IRL

Realising the man who’s hired her is some hotshot zillionaire, said prostitute is more likely to take a selfie with Mr Rich snorting illegal substances, then sell her story to a red top tabloid, after posting it on Instagram for the world and his wife to share. Just saying.

 

Dirty Dancing

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REX Features

Original plot

As if this needs a recap! Just in case… The bad boy is always the sexiest, especially if he can dance like Johnny. Underneath it all though, he’s looking for a good girl – enter Baby stage right. The relationship may only last the summer, but it’ll be worth it. You’ll have the time of your life…

IRL

Seriously, how many men do you know who can actually bust a move? If by any chance you find one who can, he’d better be ready for the money shot as, after a bit of bumping and grinding, you back away before running at him for the big finish lift. Otherwise, you’ll be left in the corner, sobbing like a baby into your watermelon. #utterlyhumiliated