Forget what the regular astrologers tell you, here at Life Death Prizes, we've discovered the dark, hidden truth - all the bad bits about your star sign. Read on if you dare...

Aries

Star sign: Aries

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Arrogant, stubborn, impulsive, undisciplined, confrontational
This morning, you got ever so cross when the bus was late. You punched a nearby wheely bin and broke your hand in four places.

 

Taurus

Star sign: Taurus

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Stubborn, self-indulgent, lazy, materialistic, possessive
When doing jigsaw puzzles, you make the bits fit by hitting them with a small rubber mallet. There, it fits!

 

Gemini

Star sign: Gemini

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Inconsistant, superficial, inability to make a decision, lack of direction, over-anxious
Cup of tea, please… No, actually, coffee. No, tea – peppermint tea. Definitely peppermint tea. Or a cream cheese and anchovy bagel…

 

Cancer

Star sign: Cancer

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Moody, pessimistic, clingy, overemotional, suspicious
You spend Wednesday evenings picking bits out of your belly button and crying. What of it?

 

Leo

Star sign: Leo

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Headstrong, egotistical, domineering, impatient, arrogant
At Louise’s party on Saturday, you drank all the wine, danced on the sideboard, then peed in the sink. You also told Louise her dress was ugly. It was a rubbish party and no-one was taking any notice of you. You were gone by 8pm.

 

Virgo

Star sign: Virgo

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Overcritical, fussy, harsh, conservative, judgemental
You’re frigid. But then every man you’ve ever known has been rubbish in bed anyway.

 

Libra

Star sign: Libra

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Superficial, detached, unreliable, indecisive, lazy
You lost your watch five months ago. It shows. And there’s a cheese sandwich under your bed from last Friday. It’s mouldy.

 

Scorpio

Star sign: Scorpio

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Jealous, secretive, resentful, compulsive, manipulative
The girl at work has those new shoes you wanted from River Island but couldn’t afford so you put salt in her tea when it was your round.

 

Sagittarius

Star sign: Sagittarius

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Tactless, irresponsible, careless, impatient, flighty
Traffic lights are red for a reason. Just sayin’.

 

Capricorn

Star sign: Capricorn

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Pessimistic, stubborn, shy, self-centred, detached, moody
Know this: ‘I AM ALWAY RIGHT. Even when I’m not… Anyway, I don’t give a flying focaccia if you have an opinion.’

 

Aquarius

Star sign: Aquarius

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Unpredictable, aloof, extreme, temperamental, easily upset, rebellious
Forget what you said about liking that mum at the school gate. You’ve decided she’s a TOTAL BITCH. Well, she looked at you ‘a bit funny’…

 

Pisces

Star sign: Pisces

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Oversensitive, easily depressed, emotional, self-pitying, fussy
You see dead people. And shapes in trees. Get a grip.