Sure Cancerians are tenacious homebodies, while Virgos are uber organised and Librans diplomatic, but what about their dark side? Why do Geminis rate a whopping A++ on the Bitch Rating scale? And why do Taureans always get a date? Find out in our amusing exposé of the dark side of the stars…

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Aries (21 March – 20 April)

Darkside:

Loud, over-confident, with way too many Y-chromosomes and a will of titanium clad granite.

Bitch rating:

C+

Think about it: bitching demands subtlety and finesse, neither of which your Bad Fairy Godmother left in your cradle. If you want to say something nasty about someone, you don’t sneak around; you just open your mouth and blast away. Refreshing, in a strange way.

Annoying habits:

Temper gauge

0º to boiling point is instantaneous, and occurs roughly every two minutes because people just won’t do what you tell them, and you’ve lost the keys/hammer/remote control/plot.

Toothpaste

After a five-minute rant in the bathroom when you throw everything out of the window looking for your tube of toothpaste, you finally find it in the laundry basket. You hammer it flat with your bare hands.

Punctuality

You are either 30 minutes early, raring to go and incandescent that everyone else is late, or you turn up four days later at a different venue and are outraged that the expedition went without you.

Darkside date

Not getting a date is not an option. You are a stranger to low self-esteem. You are so insensitive and persistent that people usually give in and accept, just for a quiet life. This glittering prize must not criticize anything you do, or look at another person in your presence, but when you are bored, they can leave.

 

Taurus (21 April – 21 May)

Darkside:

Stubborn, self-indulgent, fuelled by dull resentment and an insatiable love of money.

Bitch rating:

C+

Others think this is because you are naturally kind and charitable, but they are wrong; it’s not that you don’t want to bitch, you’re just too slow-witted to really make an impact. When you do try, you make dull, painful remarks about other people’s lack of fashion sense or money.

Annoying habits:

Temper gauge

0º to boiling point in about six months, but on a regular five-year cycle. Much earth-shaking; small buildings fall down; you gore everyone within reach. Ten days later people armed with chocolate can approach you.

Toothpaste

The Taurus toothpaste tube always lives in a toothpaste tube cozy on the third shelf down and is always rolled up from the bottom. If anyone moves it – let alone squeezes it in the middle – you kill them.

Punctuality

You are never late; you have never been late; you will never be late. People in Switzerland set their clocks by you, train companies call you for advice. Strangely, everyone else is always late meeting with you.

Darkside date:

You will always get a date because most of you are quite handsome, in a solid, thick-necked sort of way, and you just keep charging at the gate until it gives way. Once you have decided on a datée, they don’t really stand a chance or get much say in the arrangements.

 

Gemini (22 May – 21 June)

Darkside:

Unreliable, roguish sociopath with a light finger and the attention span of a hyperactive mayfly.

Bitch rating:

A++

We bow to the zodiac’s Bitch Queen. Your lightning rapier zigzags with such sparkling wit and style that many bitchees don’t notice they’ve been slashed for at least three weeks; and your apologies are always so transparently heartfelt and sincere.

Annoying habits:

Temper gauge

0° to boiling point in five seconds, inventive invective, blistering bitchery, then back down again in two, mostly because your attention has wandered off. You prefer to get even, not mad.

Toothpaste

You have a shiny new electric toothbrush ‘borrowed’ from somewhere, and toothpaste picked up from unguarded retail displays – you didn’t pay for it, so why should you give a damn about how it’s squeezed.

Punctuality

You’re rarely late (you’d hate to miss any good pickings), but never stay long since you are usually on your way to somewhere else that you think might be more interesting, or stuffed with classier celebs.

Darkside date:

Your trick is to cast a wide net, then you get to pick and choose the catch. You are such a broad-spectrum flirt that there is no chance you won’t get a date – and probably two or three for the same evening. This is the kind of romantic challenge you relish, and you thank your lucky planet for the invention of the mobile phone.

 

Cancer (22 June – 22 July)

Darkside:

You’re a grumpy, secretive, passive-aggressive grudge-hoarder, with bipolar mood swings and a positive genius for pointless worrying.

Bitch rating:

B+

For someone who likes to appear as the caring queen, you are a mistress of the snappy put-down (you sit at home in your shell, practising). You usually spoil the effect by muttering your pearls of acid wit under your breath as the bitchee departs, and then grovelling immediately.

Annoying habits:

Temper gauge

0º to snapping point in one second or several decades, depending on the Moon. Either short outbursts of unfocused tetch and filthy temper or centuries of insoluble sectarian intransigence and filthy temper.

Toothpaste

New moon: new toothpaste, cap firmly screwed on, tube squeezed from end; half moon: cap quite near tube, squeezed anywhere; full moon: cap lost, tube cut open; moonless night: no toothpaste at all.

Punctuality

You are never on time for anything; who’d want to see you? Who’d even notice you weren’t there? Plus, it’s a classic way to control the event without appearing to – passive-aggressive or what?

Darkside date:

Your ideal date is with a dysfunctional therapee who needs to talk. That way, you don’t have to speak, but you are in control; what’s great is when you put them back on their feet, they gallop away with a feckless Arien, and you lie back and enjoy some serious suffering.

 

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Darkside:

You’re a vain, arrogant, condescending solipsist with imperial longings and an all-pervasive addiction to unconditional sycophancy.

Bitch rating:

B++

Why bitch? You are the king. You know that magnanimous praise – she does so well with what little she’s got – can inflict just as much collateral damage as upfront abuse; but, of course, when you do condescend to go in for catty remarks, they are always big catty remarks.

Annoying habits:

Temper gauge

0º to boiling point in a nanosacond. Dramatic solar flaring and flouncing, down a notch to murderous irritation, and then you allow yourself to be soothed by a meaty titbit thrown by a terrified acolyte.

Toothpaste

Leos would not deign to behave inconsiderately around the toothpaste. You simply wouldn’t know how to squeeze the tube from the middle; you have a little woman to do that for you.

Punctuality

There must be some mistake. Of course you are never late. How could you be? No event would ever start until you and your entourage arrive, surely?

If it did, you’d flounce off right away and have it cancelled.

Darkside date:

Your ideal date is with a poor and impressionable (but beautiful – you are a total lookist) beggar maid whom you can smother with condescending luxury, put on a pedestal (you don’t hear the protests), demand undying love from, and then despise and discard when they cannot deliver, or when you get bored.

 

Virgo (23 August – 22 September)

Darkside:

You’re a peevish, hypercritical, anal retentive, with an obsession for sterile perfectionism and a pedantic fetish for detail.

Bitch rating:

A+

Not quite in Gemini’s class, but a worthy silver medallist. Premier cru spite is let down by lumpy delivery; even slow bitchees can’t fail to get the point and are liable to deck you, especially if they are Aries; the trick is to slash and run, but you always stick around to make sure the finer points have been rammed home.

Annoying habits:

Temper gauge

In your case, the gauge has to be recalibrated, as you maintain the constant inner seethe-rate you were born with. Although you can reach boiling point instantly if your patterns are disturbed, you never return to 0°.

Toothpaste

In a time-locked closet in your bathroom are 3 x 365 individual, pre-wrapped, disposable toothbrushes, each loaded with the precise amount of toothpaste needed for one cleaning. Only you have the key.

Punctuality

You are never, ever late; or early, for that matter. You are always exactly on time – it’s not difficult. If only they’d let you run the world, you’d make sure that DBL (Deliberately Being Late) was a criminal offence.

Darkside date:

Your ideal date, set up after mutual negotiations since no one wants any sudden surprises, would be an afternoon surfing the Public Records Office, followed by an early supper at your favourite vegan hotspot, then on for some hardcore data-merging at the Obsessive-Compulsive café.

 

Libra (23 September – 22 October)

Darkside:

You’re a vain, shallow, petulant spendthrift with an unerring eye for style over substance and a lifelong dedication to the quest for an easy meal ticket.

Bitch rating:

A+ or D

Depends on where you’re standing, really. You’d never dream of saying anything nasty to anyone’s face (they might slap you and leave an ugly mark). Instead, you whisper poisonous remarks behind your fan or victim’s back, about their bad hair or unsightly shoes.

Annoying habits:

Temper gauge

0º to boiling point in 20 seconds, but rarely, and only if you think appearing to have lost your cool will get you what you want. You pout, flounce, toss your curls and stamp your little foot; it always works.

Toothpaste

You don’t have toothpaste in tubes, since squeezing involves effort. You have three kinds of pump-action dispenser instead, and there is always an intimate friend around to help you choose which flavour you want.

Punctuality

You’re always late because you take so long to decide what to wear (and to tear yourself away from the mirror), but look so gorgeous, and are so limpidly, charmingly abject when you do show, that you are forgiven.

Darkside date:

Your ideal date is with a sugar daddy/mummy, handsome, well-dressed and loaded; you don’t care that they have the wit, wisdom and conversational skills of a carpet tile. You go somewhere obscenely luxurious (you’re not paying), where you can be seen and snapped by the paparazzi. What’s the point of being gorgeous and lovely if no one sees you at it?

 

Scorpio (23 October – 22 November)

Darkside:

You’re an obsessive, possessive manipulator with an unquenchable lust for power and a penchant for degradation

Bitch rating:

A+

People are so frightened of you that you don’t have to bother much, but what’s the point of a sting in the tail if you don’t use it? You study the psychology of the individual, can pinpoint all those tectonic weaknesses where reality meets ego and self-loathing runs near the surface; that’s where you make your surgical strikes.

Annoying habits:

Temper gauge

0º to boiling point in 10 seconds, or several days, just to unnerve the guilty. You don’t shout. What would be cool about that? You stare intimidatingly and speak with ominous quiet, to summon your henchmen.

Toothpaste

You neither leave the lid off the toothpaste nor squeeze from the middle of the tube; you either use rock salt and a twig, or minimalist Japanese designer

devices that disgorge paste in precise, bead-shaped portions.

Punctuality

Scorpios are never late. It’s tactically unsound. You like to get there a bit early so that you can observe your victim arrive; then you calculate an angle of approach that ensures the sun shines directly into their eyes.

Darkside date:

You like drawn curtains, beat-up shades, and hot rooms in the afternoon – illicit action with people you shouldn’t be with, in places you shouldn’t be, at times when you should be somewhere else. Your ideal date is a midweek hotel room with the wife of a close friend.

 

Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December)

Darkside:

You’re a reckless, tactless, obnoxious oaf, with a morbid fear of restraint and an addiction to losing your shirt.

Bitch rating:

D-

But it’s difficult: you don’t bitch within the meaning of the term, but what you lack in subtlety and finesse you make up for in crudity and bluntness, blurting out jaw-droppingly rude remarks ‘without thinking’ (oh yeah?), so the end result is still someone sobbing in the toilets.

Annoying habits:

Temper gauge

0º to boiling point in a nanosecond. Red mist, loud shouting, violent rampage, possibly with weapons (which include your bare hands), then you canter off in a different direction and forget all about it.

Toothpaste

Grab the nearest tube and squeeze in the middle until the cap pings off and toothpaste haemorrhages out and hits the ceiling; catch some on its way down, hurl tube aside, clean teeth, sling brush in sink.

Punctuality

Never knowingly on time; you are either four hours late and covered in scorchmarks, two days late because you fought the law and the law won or don’t show up at all because you are nude bobsleighing.

Darkside date:

Your ideal date (anybody will do) starts with a bracing high-speed police chase (you win), followed by a Japanese meal, which includes that fish that might kill you if not prepared properly, and ends with moonlit bungee jumping.

 

Capricorn (22 December – 20 January)

Darkside:

You are a cold, cruel, petty-minded slave driver with unsuspected yet unquenchable ambition and an addiction to tightfisted penny-pinching.

Bitch rating:

B++

You don’t really have the spontaneity to bitch, since it is undignified, but you write excoriating e-mails and sharply worded letters to the more respected newspapers when you feel your status is being impugned. Your inner goat has no such scruples, however, especially after a few cups of black wine.

Annoying habits:

Temper gauge

0º to boiling point in one second (although you have high Latent Tetchiness levels and are easy to rile). You never forgive a slight and, if shown disrespect, will charge at the offender and headbutt them into a ravine.

Toothpaste

It is a truth universally acknowledged that the Capricorn toothpaste tube is always tightly rolled from the bottom up. When it’s finished, you unroll it, cut it open and scrape off the last smears.

Punctuality

You always arrive 30 minutes early, to impress important people and make underlings feel insecure, unless the inner goat has seized control, when you won’t turn up at all because you are busy corrupting innocents.

Darkside date:

More adventurous Capricorns might try speed dating, which eliminates the waffle and waste you cannot abide, or even mail order. You take them to lunch where order what you always order (Dutch treat). You quiz them about their academic qualifications, fiscal status, current employment, prospects and long-term plans, then whisk them off to the free exhibition at the local museum. As dusk falls, you shake hands and hurry home to check their family tree.

 

Aquarius (21 January – 19 February)

Darkside:

You’re a chilly, detached, eccentric loner, with perverse voyeuristic habits and a shard of ice in your heart.

Bitch rating:

A—

Theoretically a high-ranker, but you don’t bother much because, for a smart one-liner king like you, it’s just shooting fish in a very small barrel; but if you find a worthy foe, and there is an appreciative audience on hand, you come on like Cyrano de Bergerac and pulp their ego to mush with vicious sarcasm.

Annoying habits:

Temper gauge

0º to boiling point in .0001 sec. since you do not suffer fools gladly, but like to give people a chance to defend themselves. No red-faced shouting (not logical), just cool insults and deletion of offender from your database.

Toothpaste

You don’t use toothpaste, mostly because you’ve usually lost the tube (last seen as a bookmark), but clean your teeth at the lab with the handheld sonar gun. They glow a bit in the dark, but it’s a good look.

Punctuality

You refuse to follow anyone else’s agenda, so never turn up on time or even on day. People blame it on your legendary but suspect absentmindedness, but you know it’s your way of controlling the situation.

Darkside date:

Your ideal date is with a group of young, impressionable cross-dressing ufologists whom you take to your favourite fetish club, where you end the night tucking £10 notes between the bum cheeks of nude chess grandmasters as they make provocative opening gambits.

 

Pisces (20 February – 20 March)

Darkside:

You’re a slippery, manipulative, unreliable reality-dodger with delusions of adequacy and an addiction to sentimentality and self-destruction.

Bitch rating:

A-

Stealth-class submarine bitchery; you’re so wishy-washy topside, people

underestimate the powerful Emotional Location System that allows you to hook directly into others’ weakest points and go in with a spiteful trident. You always hit below the waterline, and leave a slow corrosive poison in the victim’s system.

Annoying habits:

Temper gauge

0º to boiling point in a minute or two, building up a good head of steam to drive the whinge engine, which can go for weeks at a time but not in any logical direction; often runs off the rails or over innocent bystanders.

Toothpaste

You squeeze from the middle and leave the cap off, but are usually using a can of shaving gel or haemorrhoid cream because you don’t do small print; blame the bathroom’s owner when you throw up.

Punctuality

You’re not late as such, but you get lost, can’t remember where you’re going, or what day it is. It’s whoever you’re meeting’s fault for putting you under so much pressure; stop off at a pub for a consoling drink or several.

Darkside date:

Your ideal date is with your partner’s best friend, whom you take to a murky wine bar, where you don’t let them get a drink in edgeways as you tell them how misunderstood you are, stare into their eyes and sob that they have always been the one. Once you have scored, you deny it all – even when the photographs are produced – then blame your partner for being so horrible that you had to find comfort elsewhere.

 

Taken from The Darkside Zodiac: When You’re Born Under a Bad Star, £9.99, published by Ivy Press.

The Darkside of the Zodiac

The Darkside of the Zodiac